Anyone Else But Me

In the moment
When Mrs. Bing
Walked into
Her daughters’ room
Without knocking
Or warning
Just storming
Into find her daughter with a young man
Without his shoes
Without his socks
With just a hand to cover his crotch
As Mrs. Bing watched-
I wanted to be anyone else but me!
Anyone Else But Me….
In the moment
At lunch recess
A saddened lad
Discovered that he had made a mess
He’d tried his best
Without success
To hold it in but now he had a problem
This would look bad
And Mrs. Kaufman would be quite mad that
The smell of pee
Would not flee
‘til three…
I wanted to be anyone else but me!
Anyone Else But Me….
I’d rather be the guy with the mop at the peepshow booth
Or the fast food mascot wearing the chicken suit
I’d rather be anything, you see, but
Me!
Now I’m a grownup
I’m a lucky guy
I can hold it in
And my pants stay high around my waistline
Unless I’m sure I’m
Home alone
With maybe a friend or two but now I still do
Embarrassing things like I mismatch my socks
Pick my nose in public
And X marks the spot as I blow bass in a public space
Am I disgraced? No way
Wouldn’t want to be anyone else but me!

 

 
 
 

Anywhere

She’s got bright red ears- and just one glove
You can’t have my hat- but you can have my love
Now I’ve got
one long hair
in my returned hat as I watch her walk the stairs
Though it isn’t how I planned
I’m not a disappointed man
And I could see this going anywhere
It’s nice to know what lies in store
But if I did I might get bored
And I can see this going anywhere
She takes off her glove –oh what pretty things
But excuse me miss- are those engagement rings?
“They once were,
but now they’re just jewels,
that lined the road that’s taken me finally to you”
Chorus
I go into her bedroom and I’m scared to death inside
I see her out the corner of my eye
Oh my
I can see this going Anywhere

 

 
 
 
 

Baby Please

“Baby, please, we need to talk,” she says
As I pick my teeth
With a fork tip
“What is it lovely,” I reply
As I wipe my nose
On her silk slip
She says, “I used to think that it was cute and quirky-
Get your shoes up off my couch!
You’re such a jerk, you’re such a jerk…”
And she said “Scoodely aby Scooby I don’t think that I’ll be coming home to you!”
Baby please!
No, we are through
And she said “Scoodely ady Scooby I don’t think that I’ll be coming home to you!”
Baby please!
No, we are through
As I begged for her to take me back
I made sure that she would not change her mind
“Darling sweetest, for our three month special day,
I’ve invited some of my friends to sing and play!”
She says, "Another thing, your friends are just as bad,
They raid my fridge and spit out crumbs!
What bums. Guess where they get it from…”
And she said “Scoodely aby Scooby I don’t that I’ll be coming home to you!”
Baby Please!
Chorus
“Just a minute, I’ll be right there, I’m just jamming with Mike and the guys…”
(I knew that would drive her CRAZY!
It’s my secret plan.
It’s… amazing!)
“You’re leaving?”
“Is that a promise?”
Well, take me to the Promised Land! Yeah!
Baby Please
As I scratch my ass
I’m beggin’ please
As I pass gas
Baby Please
As I adjust my balls for the final stand
She faints- as I smell my hand…
Rant by horrified, and apparently, slightly British passerby:
Medic! Is there a medic in the house? She appears to have fainted when her boyfriend sniffed his hand! He sniffed it in public, I saw him, he put it in his pants and he sniffed it!

 

 
 
 
 

Bad Dog

You know I could never leave without you
The way you wiggle on all fours
When you come running to the door
How could you not believe I would grieve without you?
You know I’d miss your sloppy tongue
And all the toys we use for fun
I remember the time when you thought I’d gone away
Never to return from a weekend getaway
The smile on my face turned to frown as I came home
When I found the couch clawed and ripped to the bone
Bad Dog!
You thought I had run away and left you
You thought I’d left you for some bitch
Some pedigree pure and rich…aw
You should have known that I could not own some fur ball
You know, some coiffeured debutante,
Some stuck up inbred I don’t want!
I remember the time when you thought I’d gone away
Never to return from a weekend getaway
The smile on my face turned to frown as I came home
When I found the couch clawed and ripped to the bone
Bad Dog!
A stick for you, guitar for me
A place to run, chewed Frisbee
A Lassie for you
A Great Dame for me
We’ll take ‘em home
And share our bones!
You know I could never leave without you
You know I could never run away

 

 
 
 
 

Call Me Icarus

Joined a skate club for one buck
I got a soda and a Band-Aid in case of bad luck
Didn’t help, see I was growing tall
I hit a stone, I did flown, on my face I did fall
Some say man was not built to fly
Well call me Icarus cause I flew too high
What else could I do?
Look out, I am coming through!
La La La La la La La La
Rendezvous on the Riverside
La La La La la La La La
Suicide Hill at 55
La La La La la La La La
Graceful as a dancing ape
La La La La la LaLa
Hey- this thing’s go no brakes!
Little Mike B’s chore was do the laundry
So he grabbed the bag, got his board, pushed them up 94th
“Pushing sucks, I lie on top and trust my luck”- Crash!
Dude you sure looked funny
Like a chipped toothed Bugs Bunny
Some say Mike was not built to fly
Well call him Icarus cause he flew too high
What else could he do?
Look out Mikey’s coming through!
Chorus
Climb to the top but I gots to go
Mikey’s waitin’ far below
Here I go
Whoa- It's getting kind of bumpy
Whoa- can’t hold on very much longer…
CRASH (get this dude a Band-Aid..)
Mikey’s mom took us to the skate park
She was my good luck charm- I stayed out of harm
Next time out I went with my bros
And earned the nickname Superman for the perfect S carved in my nose
Some say Sean was not built to fly
Well call me Icarus cause I flew too high
What else could I do-Look out
I am coming through!
Chorus
Conclusion:
Sometimes it’s no so easy
When you fall down a lot
And you wear out your right shoe
In the same spot
And you’re big and tall and your board seems so small
You try to fly
But you tend to fall

 

 
 
 
 

Cross This Bridge

Your expression reveals the slightest trace
I can’t hide one feeling from showing up on my face
You don’t say how you feel- you describe
I’ve been known to speak- when I should think-then run and hide
Can we Cross This Bridge to meet here
At the center of the Great Divide
I would Cross This Bridge to meet you
Try to make it to the other side
I could imagine your past-but couldn’t feel
I should have imagined the damage- my words would yield
Please forgive my attempt- at understanding
It was not my place
Pride and naiveté
I will replace
Can we Cross This Bridge to meet here
At the center of the Great Divide
I would Cross This Bridge to meet you
Try to make it to the other side
So can we Cross This Bridge to meet here
At the center of the Great Divide
Because I would Cross This Bridge to meet you
With your hand I could make it all the way to the other side
With your hand I could make it all the way to the other side
With your hand I could make it all the way to the other side

 

 
 
 
 
Dave’s Getting Married

Dave’s getting married
Couldn’t happen to a better guy
I can see him drawing purple cows
at the age of five
Always a trendsetter
Had his first date at the age of ten
A movie and hyperventilation
I’m sure he’s gotten better since then
No more blonds and their storybook lies
No more flying tables or birthday surprise
Didn’t take long to figure it out
An hour a week plus five years- but there was never any doubt
There was never any doubt
There was never any doubt
Survived his mid twenties
First half a hellish scene
‘til he opened his eyes and found a crowded van
With the girl of his dreams
“It was, ah, time, to… complete the cycle”
So what if you can’t say the words, here’s a tube mic from me and Michael!”
Chorus
Anticipation-as she gave your but a pat
Asleep in the guestroom- all alone with the cat
Funny memories fortunately retired
Anesthetic Limbo1 replaced by fire
Dave’s getting married
Dave’s getting married

 

 
 
 
 

It’s Out (Fear of Pain causing Pain)

Opening kiss
Half lip, half cheek
Casts a shadow on a dark street
Closing kiss so perfect
Lips in sync
Illuminates two people in a city scene
And the born again virgin tries desperately
To no avail
To keep from spilling his secret
And the ashamed beauty fears mistaking sex for love
For the one hundredth time
And there’s a spark
And the tinder
Of limitless potential
And…
It’s Out
It’s Out
She lacks courage, so when they walk back together
This time she goes home
He stops once, twice, three times
In agony
Arm on waist
Step by step
A perfect rhythm replace staccato for a city beat
A sense so familiar
“Well you’re wonderful,” she says
As she looks out of alien light blue eyes
Pre chorus
And…
It’s Out
It’s Out
He lacks courage, so when they walk back together
This time she goes home
He stops once, twice, three times
(Fear) Of her own emotions
(Relieved) As he walks away
His respect for her prevents a scene
(Or was) his fear the same
It doesn’t really matter cause that spark is out
Fear of Pain causing Pain
He stops once, twice, three times
But respect wins out
And it is finished.

 
 
 
 

Just Make Music

Me and Mike B for a hundred apiece
Grabbed a ’57 strat- imagine that
But imagine what it would take for a man to give up such a love
Lost job, lost wife –No
He wouldn’t have given it up
It must have been smack or crack and I bet he still still cried
Outside
The pawn shop
With his guitar left inside
Like a life preserver it served him well
‘til he passed it off to another man
Coming up from the bottom as he went down
Giving someone new the hope- to
Just Make Music
Just Make Music
Bruce sang how the Magic Rat drove his slick machine-
That’s not the Rat I knew
He cared too much
And jealousy took control
One by one they left the band
Until he let down his main man with a bad plan
Contract wheels and deals
And Drug deals
“If you’re up, I’m down,”
That’s how Rat thought, that’s how he lived
And that’s what took him out
Jealousy beats Integrity
And his slick machine remained a dream- to
Just Make Music
Just Make Music
So what about me and Mike B
and that ’57 strat?
Well, it’s not a lock
Rather a dubious long shot
But at this minute, at this very moment
We’re making music
Just make music

 

 
 
 
 

Silent Treatment

I’ve had glass bottles cracked over my head
I’ve been kicked in the face and left as I bled
I would rather face these moments
Over and over again
Then face your Silent Treatment that never ends
Silent Treatment
Silent Treatment
That never ends
I’ve fought actual ninjas, failing miserably
I’ve been round housed by good friends gunning for me
I would rather face these moments
Over and over again
Then face your Silent Treatment that never ends
Silent Treatment
Silent Treatment
That never ends
So absolute
So uncrackable
Complete isolation
Vacuum packable
Communication is my life’s blood
And when we talk it flows from a trickle to a flood
But back in the silence the flood runs dry again
Tell me what can I do to make this Silent Treatment
Come to an end

 

 
 
 
 

The Price

Let me show you how to win
Build that confidence within
It’s what you know you can do
It’s not their opinion
And let me teach you how to sing
Just for now forget that technique thing
And just howl like you mean it
Let it go
You might think things came so easily
I just laugh with a bittersweet smile
See I’ve been tricked
I’ve been so blind
I’ve been kicked around
I’ve been scared out of my mind
I’ve been pushed
And I’ve survived
And I could save your soul
If you’d be mine
That’s The Price you’ll pay
I could show what it takes
To face down fear and not break
I believe in what you do
I am not mistaken
You were meant for greater things
Come with me and climb beneath my wings
Stay at my side and I’ll take you inside the ring
You might think things will come easily
I just laugh with a bittersweet smile
Chorus
Come here, come here
You’ve got nothing to fear
Come on, come on
Let’s get it on
Chorus
That’s The Price

 

 
 
 
 

With you

At her door-awkward silence
She says “I’m feeling tired”
A limp goodbye-uninspired
What happened to the days when I swear the sparks would fly
With You
I am a stud again
With You
There is no wavering flag
With You
I stand tall and manly
With you
Sweet surprise
She looks in my eyes- but twice burned twice shy
I say “I’m feeling tired”
My humour has left me- uninspired
But then you came along, you gave my love and Levi’s a rise!
Chorus
With you
Sweet surprise
With you
There’s magic in my thighs….
No more lonely nights
No more try to fantasize
No more resting size- Damn!
Why don’t my thing don’t rise
A double negative is like a sedative cause I can’t raise my big surprise
Chorus
With you
Sweet surprise
With you
There’s magic in my thighs
Were coming home tonight-
Bold down the bed
Leave on the lights